10:00 PM PDT on Wednesday, August 2, 2006
DAN BERNSTEIN
Riverside, how do we love thee? Let's count the ways:
Citrus heritage, celebrated with sprawling fests and giant oranges.
City of trees. Does any other SoCal city frolic in such foliage?
Cultural capital of the Empire (self-anointed, but still).
City of the Arts, extolled by the mayor, who once proudly kept a running total of municipal Starbucks.
What is missing from this wag-the-dog boosterism? What do we never mention? What do we hope no Riverside visitor will notice? There's no river. We are living a lie.
But Lindsey McMillen, an e-mailing truthsayer, has figured out how Riverside can finally "justify its name": Buy the Reuben E. Lee.
That's Reuben (as in sandwich), not Robert (as in toast).
The Reuben E. Lee is a life-on-the-Mississippi riverboat based in Newport Beach. It is more than 40 years old and 35 feet tall. The LA Times reports that, one way or another, the Reuben is shipping out.
The riverboat's owner/occupant -- the Newport Harbor Nautical Museum -- is moving to dry land. Under a lease with the mighty Irvine Co., which owns the dock space, if the museum leaves, the boat must follow in its wake. Which could be Riverlesside's wake-up call.
I don't know what they're asking for this tub, but I'm sure Riverside's shrewd negotiators could drive a good bargain. And they wouldn't be buying a movie set. The Reuben is evidently composed of "authentic" riverboat materials, including steel plates and beams and redwood. It's beyond Reubenesque.
What would a riverboat do? At the very least, it would give Riverside some cover. Deposit a riverboat in the Santa Ana, and the river's puddling, weedy, reedy appearance would be blurred by one of the most vivid images of Americana: a riverboat on a river. In Riverside.
What other purpose, besides bolstering Riverside's claim to its name, would a riverboat serve? It used to be a restaurant. Some see it as a bed and breakfast. I see it as a marketable back-up plan in case Fox Plaza, the city's latest downtown dreamery, shatters.
"Walk the Plank to Your Riverboat Condo!"
"Not Even Wild Riverbottom Boars Can Keep Me From My Riverboat Home."
"What's Up, Dock? The Reuben E. Lee!"
The Times notes the Reuben was "never meant for the seas, only as a stationary facility that (looks) like a boat and floats." The Santa Ana was never meant to be a real river, either. This isn't just a perfect fit, it's a rare mathematical paradox: 1 nonriverboat + 1 nonriver = Riverside.
Go figure.
Item de News: Grover Trask, nearing the end of his Castro-length run as the Handsome DA, is now the potential big-fish candidate for a seat on the Western Municipal Water Board. From what I hear, he already has campaign slogans:
Use a squirt gun, go to jail.
Three brines and you're out.
The candidate reservoir dogs fear most.
Mandatory water rationing for defense attorneys and Judge James Warren.
Graying hair, acre-feet and 25 years of multi-Trasking. Time to just add water.
The WMWD is a big bureaucracy. I'll make it bigger.
Just keeping another seat dry for Rod Pacheco.
Reach Dan Bernstein at 951-368-9439 or dbernstein@PE.com